Oh Hampton...

we never can make thee a song, except as our lives do the singing.

And what the hell will my life sing?

I do not know. But somehow I know it will be...something.

Anywho, that's not why I came to write.

I am affected by Hampton's portrayal in the world.

It's not a good one, at least it doesn't seem so, and it is entirely the fault of Hampton.

No free speech. Not in words, not in flyers, and NOW not even in hair.

*Except as our lives do the singing*

Strangely, as oppressive as these recent developments seem and as much fire as Hampton has received because of them, I am not really bothered by them.

I'm not really bothered by them.

Why is that? I've always been outspoken, free-willed, liberal-minded. Yet, these developments bother me none. And even when I felt like there was something I SHOULD have done, I had no desire to do them.

*Except as our lives do the singing*

Is this what they want my life to sing? Complacency? Acceptance? It's not what I've imagined my life's song to be. Why don't I and many other Hampton students feel enraged by this overt control of our ability to express ourselves?

I mean, honestly, I can't say that I agree with the "protest" on the Bush Regime, from the idea to the execution, but they had a right to do it... right?

I can't say that I don't understand why Hampton wants the males in the business program to cut their hair, but they do have a right to wear their hair as they please... right?

So, why aren't I fighting for that? Standing up for that? Am I waiting for some big fight to jump behind? Something more overtly restraining, like sitting at the back of the bus?

The problem is, there will be no overt cause. Not for black people. I mean, the most overt cause we should be enraged about is Katrina, and here I am in my room living as if life hasn't stopped for my people.

I am a reflection of my generation. Hampton is a reflection of our generation.

A reflection that radiates complacency and entitlement.

And I don't know how I feel about that.

Currently Listening The Breakthrough By Mary J. Blige see related

My arms hurt...

When I work for my mom I become 8 positions rolled into one. This morning I was employed as the runner and I had to go pick up some discovery from the other attorney on a case.

*SIDEBAR* Discovery is when both attorneys exchange a list of questions and requests for documents that the other side has to answer and produce. *END SIDEBAR*

I get to the District Attorney's office and there is this huge box full of paper and a stack of paper as tall as the box on top of it. My mother used to work there for 13 years before she started her own practice so I knew the secretary, Sharon, and she offered to help me carry it. Sharon is older and I wasn't going to let her carry those heavy papers and the load really wasn't that bad so I just took it myself. As I left the office, a man left another door on the hall.

He just looked at me and headed for the elevators.

I get to the elevator and he rides down to the 1st floor with me. Doesn't speak, no eye contact. When we get to the first floor he walks out of the elevator without a word.

I was steamed.

What happened to chivalry? Not even chivalry, what happened to good manners? At least ask. I would have said no, but an offer would have been nice. I wasn't upset that he didn't help. I was angry that he didn't even try. So this little incident raises some questions for me...

1) What happened to manners? What is going on with male and female roles in society? Was this racism or am I being paranoid (he was a white man)?

2) Why am I so fiercely independent that I won't accept help, even when I might need it?

The damn man should have offered! When you see someone with a big load, offer to help. You know, like the song "Lean on Me." I was raised in a semi-traditional family, well, at least by our beliefs. My 9 year old brother holds doors, carries groceries and takes out the trash. Its not that the women in my house can't do it, or even that we don't try to do it sometimes. When my brother and father see that we've come back from the grocery store they tell us to go in the house so they can finish bringing them in. We never have to ask. They just do it. When I come home for break, my father or my brother bring in my suitcase. I never have to ask. That is what I expect of men.

What is wrong with some of these men today? What is wrong with people in general? I rarely hear people say "please" or "thank you" and "ma'am" and "sir" is like french nowadays. When I use these words people are either shocked or attribute it to my "country-ness." I attribute it to manners. I know I'm rude about a lot of things, but I try not to be that way about people. I smile and say hello to strangers because I'm country. I say please and thank you because I have home training.

Then I got to thinking, if I had been a white woman would he have offered? Black woman have gained the stigma that we are strong, brutish and independent. Well, most of that is true. But beyond that, "ain't I a woman?" Did he just figure that I was faring well and needed no help? Did he just not feel like helping? I don't know. But as soon as he saw me he turned sharply and walked away.  

And more important than all of these things, deep down I knew I wouldn't have accepted help. In fact, when I got back to the office, another attorney (a black man) insisted on carrying the load up the steps (my mother renovated an old brick building for her office and we haven't put in an elevator, yet) for me and I wouldn't let him.

Does this inability to accept help extend beyond physical loads? Am I unwilling (not unable) to allow others to let me "lean on" them? Why? How does this affect relationships that require emotional dependence of some sort? Is this why our independent black women can't seem to find or hold on to love? I don't know...

What goes up...

Just got back from an amazing five day cruise with my family. It was great. My sisters and brother and I fought and swam and fought and ate and fought and had lots of fun. Some things never change, even when your environment does.

While you are at sea, you feel cut off from everyone. A feeling that (I must admit) I enjoyed. It was a nice break from the world and my phone.

Unfortunately, when I returned home, I saw that my home was not doing as well as I.

If you've watched the news you've seen that Oklahoma has been ravaged by wildfires for the past 7-10 days. Today as we watched the news, we'd reached 20 fires by 7:00 p.m. And that was just for today. Homes have been lost, people devasted. My home is fine. My mother insists that it will never burn down because it is over-insured . My brother's home was less than a mile from a huge fire. As they worked to wet the grass surrounding his home with garden hoses to protect it from the fire, I couldn't help but think of my own blessings.

I appreciate all that has been given to me. All that God blesses me with. But it is a melancholy truth that throughout life when one person is up another will be down.

Please pray for the land and lives that have been affected by these fires. When grass burns it grows back stronger and greener. I sincerely hope that the lives and families that have been burned by these fires recover as strong as the land will.

Currently Listening The Emancipation of Mimi By Mariah Carey Fly Like A Bird see related

Untitled... I tried...

Mariah is that _________!

Been browsing through pages. Bored, I guess. LaDiva amongst others got me thinking.

Why do we settle for less than we deserve?

My friends and most of my family are intelligent, beautiful, successful people. I know many people say the same things about their friends and family, but I am able to look at others objectively, even the ones I love. In other words, my people are flyyy. LOL.

When I look at the people they choose as a significant other, I question their intelligence. Well, I take that back. I don't question their intelligence, I question their self-esteem.

When people choose a mate they tend to choose someone they believe to be their equal. If you continue to choose partners who aren't really your equal, does that mean that you don't value yourself enough?

My good friend/brother (in fact, all of them) have been dating women who are not as smart as them, as goal-oriented as them, as successful as them. A few of them are aware of this, yet continue to deal with these (women?). A few are in denial and really think they've got a catch no matter how much these (women?'s) actions conflict with their assertions. Moreover, I know my brothers. Because they are smart, successful, all of that good stuff, they need women who are their equals to challenge them. Or else, they will continue to be unsatisfied and search for that challenge outside of the relationship. Outside of the fact that these girls are whack, I cannot excuse the fact that they chose them. I tell them all the time, "You all deserve so much. Why don't you KNOW that?" I love them more than I should. They are going to break my heart if they marry losers. Even worse they'll break their mothers heart. What mother wants to raise a good man for a sorry girl? I know I wouldn't.

What makes us choose partners who aren't really partners? Who don't complement us? Who aren't our equals? Who don't deserve us? Is it self-esteem?

Or are we just not ready to accept what we deserve.

*singing* I'm HOOOOMMME for the holidays...

Coming home was nice. I've got a brand new queen sized bed which absolutely dwarfs my little ass room, but who cares! I can lay sideways on that thing. Life is great.

My sisters are going through that hormonal stage in their lives when everything is a big production. Yesterday I got a full-page letter about how disappointed Alexis was that I went out and forgot to do her hair.

Speaking of which, why am I automatically on call as the beautician of the house everytime I come home for break? I need my mama to learn to do more with hair than put it in four ponytails.

Has anyone who has younger siblings noticed that they get and get away with SO much more than you did? Talking back, not listening, half-assing chores, going to the hair shop every two weeks, cooler clothes than your mom EVER picked out for you... this is not right! I can count the number of times my mother paid for me to get my hair done. This is not right.

Oh yeah, we will be spending Christmas Cruisin! We're going to Cozumel, and some other places. I should probably get that together before we leave next week. I hope I'm still getting some presents.

Have not spoken to the Charming Loser. Very happy about that.

Still working on this friendship thing with my longtime (crush/friend/secret lover - you pick). Saw him the other night. Watched RollBounce. Cute movie. Good times.

Why does the mall have valet parking for Christmas shoppers? This is Oklahoma people! Not Beverly fucking Hills! We don't need valet parking! They reserved ten rows and there were three cars in them. Ain't that a bitch? Totally sucks the fun out of finding that great holiday parking spot.

We took family pictures on Sunday. Needless to say, that was an adventure. So glad we only do this shit once a year. These negroes are driving me crazy.

Worked with my mother today. She worked me like a slave. She waited til the last minute to write a forty-page brief. Like mother, like daughter.

Welcome Home.